November

036

“End of October the sleepy brown woods seem to nod down their heads to the Winter, Yellows and grays paint the sad skies today, and I wonder when you’re comin’ home.” It is not just our birthdays coming up, that you will miss again, but it is the turning of the leaves, the crisp feel of the morning air on your skin, the sweet music that is sung into the night from a porch where the warmth is contagious. I miss your presence in my life and after so many years of not being, I am angry with you again. It started this summer as I walked Kesey everyday. Wow ! Grandchildren ! They open your heart to a love you can not describe.  As I walked him and got to know him and delight in him, many days I thought “you missed the best part man!” I am coming up on the part of my life where we said we would live together again and if either of us could carry a tune anymore, or even if we could not, we would sit in our rockers on the front porch,  singing down the worries of the day and following our hearts, dreaming our dreams, rocking away as our life settled in around us.

So yes, I am angry again, because you do not get to see that dimple, those big eyes and that baby face that just melts any negative worries or stress from the day you may have had. I want to place him on my shoulders and dance around the room with him until he laughs and laughs. And when he goes home I want to turn to you, the one person I could always turn to that loved our children with open heart and soul, just as deeply as I do, and see us smiling and saying ” Damn that boy is fine! ” So you are not here and I am angry and sad and I miss you more than I ever thought I would, especially now, with Fogelberg in the background singing one of the first songs we ever sang together, with it being two minutes until you would have been 63, and I wish more than ever, that you were here.

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