2/14/2017

The last few Wednesday’s left of Texas winter have been nice. I have been able to work from home. It has been cold and after shopping for the day I am able to build a fire , get in a nice walk and work without interruption for quiet peaceful hours I could not have at the building. I am reclaiming my home again. The timing is perfect.

I could say it is because of Valentine’s day but I am not sure if that is it . I think it started after seeing a post from Delaney earlier today. Delaney is Tom’s daughter from another Mother.  A few times I have checked out her profile to see if she has pictures and if she looks like her Dad.  Maybe I had seen them before but suddenly two pictures of Tom, from the early seventies were on the screen. One I remember him showing me at the house on Willow and the other I knew because it was a favorite of mine. Pure Tom, being honest and vulnerable, probably loaded, or on his way. I sat looking at him, not a thought of what time it may be or that I was supposed to be getting ready for work. I was lost in memories which have been finding their way through my thoughts quite frequently of late.

One of the things I do like about this place I live in now, is the kitchen. It is a small, good for nothing, no counter space or storage,  galley kitchen, but I am no cook and it is not important to me. What is important is I stand at the sink washing dishes,  I look towards the door and it reminds me of the apartment at Dutch Village where we first lived together. I see you sitting in the living room,

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someone is visiting and you are talking and being sociable, but we share a look,  and we each know, we can not wait to be alone again. We were still locked in that world that was just us.  Actually, we stayed there throughout most of our marriage .

 

I get the feeling you are with me for a reason. I have felt you in times of great sorrow, ever since you left this world, as if you were there to comfort me through it. This is a difficult, but healing time. I am coming back . I checked out sometime before Christmas. I told my boss I needed to go and  seek some psychiatric care because I was broken. I was not kidding. I tried to get that care too but it did not work. I was “not sick enough” . I was just burnt out….fried…crisp…or the new term compassion fatigued. Shit!  I was beat down, had nothing left for me or anyone else, and at the end of my rope. I could not go back to the hell I had been through the past few years but  I saw it staring me in the face if I did not do something different. Cycling through the same behaviors and  expecting a different outcome after all IS crazy.

I did take a different road though and now I adjust to that. After so many years, it all comes down to the adjustment following decisions.

*note to self – ARIZONA

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2017 -that’s a 10 – one with God

The house has been smudged, the prayers have been said and as I walk through my little home, blessing and cleansing with grateful heart for the sanctuary I create, my thoughts turn to the passing year.  It seems for the last twenty years I have been saying “whew that was a tough one”. Maybe they will all be tough. Today, I felt I was finally dealing with the things that began almost two years ago. The trailer for this review is  filled with horror, fears, tears, smiles, heart wrenched acceptance, and joy like I have never known with the birth of my Grandson, unexplored pain with the passing of two of my best friends,  codependency and living with addiction, the endless worry about the people I love and getting up every day to go to work where I feel I am standing in a field, in the center of the  flames.  My cup was empty. I had nothing left, but one foot still had to go in front of the other , right?  The only way to get through something is to keep walking to the other side, or at least that is truth for me.I search for patterns and overall themes and the underlying theme is the ANGER . I woke up mad, walked through the day mad, left my job with anger sometimes brewing as I drove the ten minutes to my home. I have spent a lot of time angry in my car. I had no where to hide, no cave to run into to lick my wounds and still the background theme is the anger.  I have always said I really grew up in the Blue Ridge Mountains, because it is where I learned to be self sufficient. Texas has been the  tempering fire to further shape my life and person.

I am no longer the naïve, idealistic child of the sixties that made the decisions, that led to the life that I now live. That part of me survived, but I am more careful , even guarded, and the light in my eyes does not always twinkle. I am worn with all I have seen, heard  and witnessed. The pain of recent events like an albatross on my soul dragging and luring me to come to bed and sleep…don’t think….rest before you begin the work ahead. Yet, thrown in to season everything are little pieces of pure joy!  A friend finds a song I wrote when I was 26- 27 years old and I am rummaging through memories that have given me not only a vehicle for self awareness but happiness through the mental flashes of the past. If things would not have been so difficult at home, I would not have gone on walk about. I would not have discovered the pool, the river, the parks and most of all I would not have had all the glorious walks … me…I’m with God…and I am with the mother….and for a litt008le while, I am FREE. There is no question that is therapy for me. When I am in the woods and looking for beauty. I find it. It does not disappoint. Returning to this part of myself has revealed more roads I can travel and I am so thankful.

In many ways it feels as if I am rowing through the mist and the fog and can’t  clearly see where I will go, only knowing deep in my soul I must move forward…I must set goals and be ready to fulfill them ….something is calling….calling me onward and away from here. I am driven to get rid of excess, to move lightly, but to keep firm upon the path and keep moving until I know my destination.

 

 

 

When it is all said and done … last week of 2016

listeningI caught myself getting angry that no one ever warned me how hard life could be or how impossibly heartbreaking , or incredibly inspiring a journey lay ahead. I had to let go of the anger…no one knew… how could they…it was my future…not theirs..and who listens when they are twenty years old and you think you know everything and you will surpass those around you because you know better. Would I have heard the truth in the words if they had been spoken? Would I have recognized the lessons that led to the knowledge that supported and nurtured that knowledge? I doubt it…I wish I had not known it all back then. I wish I would have known how to listen. It seems many years I have been learning to Listen.